No Name Face

A lot of times (I mean a mighty lot) I have a quiet conversation with the face of my palm. It's like a silent one on one which is reminiscent of the romance between the actors and actresses in movies. Everything spoken without a word being uttered. Only here, I feel I am being mocked at. How can we be held captive to a set of criss crossing lines, that seemingly address our present and future? At least, some times I am. And a lot of other people too.

I must have some freakingly bad lines of fortune then. If I were to believe the faith my elders have in the soothsayers and fortune tellers, I am supposed to have 3 babies. Oh come on! 3 babies in 21st century is like a mistake that you can't even mistakenly commit. They predict I am to be married to some girl with her name beginning with alphabets ranging A to something. I can see an A. And N. And H. I couldn't be a luckier person :P

The thing is, it is just so much fun to bend the rules and do what you are not supposed to. What harm. I build my own life. I make my rules. I break them. How else would I know my limits? And each time you know that you, helps you raise your game one notch higher. Oh I never mentioned. Even though my faceless palm mocks at me all the time, it has to look for a better day to get the better of me. Like I care. 

Just because I am quiet

Just because I am quiet doesn't mean...

I am looking for your help
Thanks but no thanks. Would typically result in drawing a fake appreciation (read very)

I lack social skills
Could not care less.

I lack confidence
Debatable? No it is not. I just don't show off when not needed. Why should you, even when it is just about needed. Show it in times of dire need. Philosophy works.

I like to be left alone
Yup sometimes I love and deserve attention but I can live without that too. Considering I have done pretty well being left alone, I don't see why I need company to survive.

I am mad at you
Sometimes true. Most of the times- NOT TRUE. Yes now it needs a little boolean algebra to decipher the sentence.

I am smarter than you
Oh definitely I am not just smarter. I am much smarter. You would have been writing this and not giggling or making perceptions about me if you were just as smart. 

Days that have mattered in my life - #5 to #1

#5 The day I went to photograph the spot where I survived an accident with 3 broken bones 

This was the day before Kimi became the world champion. My excitement was cut short with an accident that left me with a few broken bones. More painful was the thought that I could not see the best race of the season. That was a Saturday. 

Alright come Monday. I am at home at 10AM. Full plaster and slings and this and that. But the fun was going to the spot where I fell to see how long the drag was. 5 meters maybe. Insane it was. Nevertheless fun. I still rue missing the 4 way shootout of 2007 

#4 The day I went to Ruby's Tuesday 

Couple of things. Eventful. And a priceless memory.  

#3 The day my parents decided to introduce me to computers 

They would be regretting this day. 1999 should be the year when they gave me a 133MHz P-II, 32MB RAM, 0.98 GB spec desktop. Without multimedia of course. 

Law of diminishing marginal utility did not hold good. And I burnt out the processor of my next P4 machine. Good 40 grands during the days of recession (2001). I was officially tagged as brash and a spendthrift for this act. 

#2 The day I drove a four wheeler 

July 7th - 2001. Written in bold. Etched in my memory. My cousin would just let me get to the drivers seat because it was raining heavily and there was no traffic. And rest as they say is history. 

#1 The day I went for the Formula One GP of India 

I would not care if I died tomorrow. I have seen it all. My life is redeemed :) 

So, as a matter of fact, the best times in life come when you are with yourself. Noteworthy mentions would be my stay in Mumbai. And of course undergrad days. I used to be my new best friend. And I want that back now. For this is one life to live. And I want to make myself happy. So meet my new best friend. Myself

Days that have mattered in my life - #10 to #6

#10 The day I realized I could talk on the phone for 8 hours 


When I look back I wonder how I could pull this one off. My telephonic conversations barely extend beyond a couple of minutes at present. The very fact that I could talk at a stretch on the phone about nothing except books and songs, gives me the right to give myself a pat on the back. Yes! it was in early 2001 and No I wasn't too much interested in the fairer sex then. Neither was the person on the other side of the phone. The record that we held was broken by my friend when he "obviously" started talking to his girlfriend.


#9 The day 'we' stalked a girl and ultimately became objects of ridicule for the next few months 


Oh I could never forget this hot, sweltering day of summer 2001. Incessant phone calls of my friend with claims that he had fallen in love with some girl in our tuition classes. It being my first class, I was advised by my friend to block the entrance gate(with him) so that he could evoke a coveted Excuse me! from her. Apparently, he had done his homework. Apparently!! Neither did we get an excuse me. Nor any  form of humanely conversation. She blew her horn to get past us. And my friend who had already confidently assured other friends of a possible success was red faced. That was not the end. My friend managed to perform a full 85 degree standing wheelie in front of the full audience. Audience who was laughing uncontrollably. No that was not a wheelie. That was classical demonstration of how not to release the clutch of a scooter.


#8 The day I beat my friend on my 70cc gear-less scooter in a dash-to-home race from tuition classes 


Some time in 2003 there was this group of friends, which still retort to believing that the roads of Rourkela is no less than a race tarmac. So, on a rainy evening, there was this challenge of dash-to-home. As it is who would be interested on a Friday evening Math tuition class. My friend on his overpowered 125cc Vespa had challenged my minuscule 70cc scooter. I consider the power to weight ratio, for my friend must have weighed about 40 kilos then.
I won. Period. Still a talking point during gatherings. Definitely a to-remember moment. Some say I cheated. I don't see how :P

#7 The day I did a power slide, bang in the middle of the road risking the life of 3 co-passengers 

God save the souls of the 3 friends who decided to risk their lives. It happened so fast at more than 100 Km/hr during peak traffic hours. All I could hear in the next 10 seconds that followed were groans and plentiful of expletives. Nevertheless, I would like to call that an elaborate power slide. My friends were in good hands. I wish somebody could have videotaped the moment. Or my friends would have been good enough to go back and have a look at the tire marks.


#6 The day(rather night) Rahul lost his baggage in Pune  

Enough of days. This was a night to remember. My first outing to night clubs and pubs and night life. Yes I did have soup in a pub, but that is the way it is. So, with 4 friends too drunk to walk, we had to receive Rahul from the Pune railway station. While the 4 friends again got back to drinking near the station I went on to do receive Rahul. After the customary hugs and gali-galoch we head our way back home.
Nobody, till late next morning.. call that afternoon, realized that Rahuls baggage was missing. Reason? As fate would have it, he had his luggage in the auto rickshaw which held 3 drunk people.
What makes the day memorable? Rahul carried about 200 bucks with him. He lost 3 new shirts. And my hung over friends were trying to remember how the auto driver looked like.

Transitions

Another year has just passed away. The number of grey hair I have now has gone beyond counting by the fingers of both my hands. At almost 27, I gear up for my second assault at my professional life. In less than 24 hours I would have completed an entire day at office. The feeling is kind of spooky. I had just got used to my wonderful life that lasted just less than a year. And I seriously wish it had lasted it a little longer.

My life cycle summed up in a line has been

Excitement – Uncertainty – Confusion – Crisis – Acceptance – Partial recovery/Let go

I owe this self-vicious life cycle to one of my close friends, who hopefully should feel proud of me for once.  I would prefer all these stages except the last one be prefixed with EXTREME. I overlook the first stage a lot often and letting go seems to be the easiest thing that I could ever do.

Serendipity happens to be one of my favourite words. That is what life is. That is what life should be. A fortunate accident! I realize I have started to take life and the characters of life a little too seriously.  That has left me exposed to wild forces. I got so used to good things and good life, now I feel my life hovering around confusion and crisis stages. At the same time I am glad there is rationality enough in me to accept things for what they are. I have my share of bullshit. And I graciously return it in full valour. I feel no apparent issue with this. This is what keeps any relationship growing. Gives you a reason to fight but hold on.

To a few people who mean a lot to me; I won’t let go. We may be diametrically opposites, but that is what happens with a scissor. You need two blades traveling in different directions to pull off a job.

Life isn’t simple. But the beauty of it is – you can start it all over. I hope it makes sense. 

T minus 4

14^th February. Who needs another day to love? My Facebook home page is filled with updates from apparently everyone on my friend list. Be it single, in a relationship, it’s complicated, engaged or married. The build up to today has been funny. Rose day, chocolate day, hug day, kiss day and what not day. The expenses must already be so high in these pre-events (read trailers) leading up to today. Wonder what more could a couple give to each other today? Everything has already had a day before.

Today was just another day, only for the exception that I spoke a lot. A lot of crap. Things that made absolutely no sense even if you try to rephrase the words and form a new sentence. I continue to be the butt of jokes during any presentation and I could not care less about that now. I am enjoying the attention. The teacher enjoys it too. My class participation marks are sealed. Definitely! I fell in love with this lady in white who was visible to me for a cumulative time of 45 seconds. I can’t stop thinking of her. Was she my Ms. Perfect? I don’t know :P

Now this is going to be good. I returned to do something I love to. Went back to the kart track. Everything was the same. I start last and I go on to lap everyone around in a span of 4 laps. Do I really drive that good or does everybody else suck at what I am good at? I can feel my pride and ego being elevated to a new height. Oh what a feeling when you walk out of the kart and people stare at you and you walk by without paying much attention. I love that. Thoroughly!

Knowing not what to do next, I head for MG Road. Ah MG in Gurgaon doesn’t mean Mahatma Gandhi. It means Mehrauli-Gurgaon road. I could not believe it when I came to know about it. The scene was totally different today.

The crowd seemed to be like globs of yellow and red moving in some random pattern. Reminds me of the time we studied of atoms in an excited state. I was the lone single atom trying to dodge incoming attack by randomly moving molecules bonded together by some orientation called Love. If the Guinness Book of World Records were to be invited today, I am sure, a new record would have been made. The number of couples trying to play parent to each other and feed each other ‘with their own hands’. Even though they were celebrating some foreign festival, if I may call that, they were truly Indian when it came to showing love. Another way of assuring, ya baby I can be a good parent too, so please let’s look beyond this day and plan for our future. Fortunately I did not collide with any of the energized molecules during my course of walk on the road. Phew!! But honestly, it feels good that there is so much left to look forward to in life. All these small things make life worth living. The fun. The joy. The fear of getting caught.. all of it.

Even though my mind is all restless, I loved the day for today I loved myself. 

T minus 5

Even though I am a petrol head and have a fetish for automobiles, the less privileged (read 2 wheeler things) do not seem to interest me. I've never had a good relationship with the fairer sex and (the less privileged) bikes. My memory doesn't fail me, for I can clearly remember that it only the 2nd time I had ridden a scooter and I had ripped open the right hand side of the vehicle. And it continues to be bad since then.

2001 I had my thigh ripped open while the vehicle suffered no injuries :P

2002 I do not know how many times I fell while rolling my father's bike into the garage :P

2003 I still do not know how I could fall while riding on a perfectly table flat road :P

I think my friend Oindril could throw some light on my perpetual "falling down on my knees" tendency.

Oh I think the bad relationship dates further back. I fell from my bicycle to break my arm in the winter of 97.

2007 I am left with a broken leg and shoulder. No doubts. Had to be a 2 wheeler.

I speak all this for I had this phobia of riding a 2 wheeler. Each time I rode one, I felt someone would run over me.

Day 3 of my new found life and I must have driven a good 4.5 hours continuously. I don't mind a painful back or a senseless bum. Yes I mind the dust and the traffic to a great extent though. All that mattered was what I did.

But that does not in any way mean that I still love a 2 wheeler. No way, nothing comes close to something on 4 wheels

T minus 6

For quite some time now I have been fighting to overcome this invisible barrier that I am faced with. Getting defensive isn’t sometimes the wisest of options. It’s much easier if things are just let to happen. Does not remotely mean surrendering to fate though. Of late, I have been feeling it is much easier to just submit to situations. No explanations given. No thoughts put in. Just surrender, and accept whatever the outcome is. At the end of it all, what is that I do? More or less every time I end up watching the documentary on Ayrton Senna. I have lost count of the number of times I have already seen it. Each frame, each statement seems to be etched in my memory but still I watch it and each time I do so, I feel different from what I was some time ago.

I have been guarding my life in some strange demeaning manner. I have no idea what on earth could possibly go wrong. The harder I try to consolidate, the worse it gets. So I have decided to just let it go. I am going to find out what worst could happen ultimately. And I am yet again going to make it through. Life will typically resume the sine wave pattern. It will happen at its pace, but it will happen.

For the time being, I have decided I am living one day at a time. I am not looking at life beyond the next 7 days, for even a week is a terribly long time to live. I am going to live these 7 days in a way I have been longing to live. It’s already day 2 today.

Day 1 – a day I went out taking pictures. An entire day! For one day I felt I needed no one to make myself happy. Had a long walk in the evening with my cousin! I’d have spoken about 1000 words in the entire day but I was happy being myself.

Today.. Day 2 – Yeah! Today was something to talk about.  I needed this bad. Really bad. I needed to drive something on 4 wheels. With a job interview lined up on Thursday, this was the most important in my to-do list. I had been thinking of going to the go-kart track from a long time, but it could not have been at a better time than today. I feel Schumacher-ish while I start to describe my feelings now J because I started last of the grid. No wait. This feels like Senna. I go on to lap all the drivers on the grid, except for THE ONE.

If I were to say anything about what happened, it was so similar to the race at Suzuka 1989, when Senna and Alain Prost collided in the championship deciding race. Senna (I) seeing an opportunity on the right hand corner, took the lunge. Prost(The One) immediately closed the door and moved off the racing line. Senna tried to avert a collision, but it was already too late. Senna was carrying too much speed into the corner. Senna’s front wing hit Prosts sidepods, thus making it impossible to lap the entire field J wooah! It was competitive.

I am lucky to have a few people around who I can reach up to any time I want. And to these people I owe a lot of things. So, it don’t matter if they still make me realize that I am going to be single on this Valentine’s Day (yet again), I’d still manage to be with them. I would not even crib if they would make me walk for 5 kilometres. It’s all a part of the moments that are making my day. So, yes this goes down as one of the best evenings. I had people who I adore and care for, and I could not ask for more. God bless you guys!

And I am really looking forward to doing something on Day 3 now J

HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

NB : READER DISCRETION ADVISED

Sometimes I really wonder what I am doing at a B school. My belief only grows stronger as I am made aware of more and more theories and principles. My deduction is pretty straight forward now.

Simple things + Fancy names = MBA theories

Example 1;

Simple thing = you pay a lot of money

Fancy name = you are in a Business school

Outcome = you are a consultant *

* Con people + Insult people = Consultant

See. I am actually talking a lot of sense.

I have this special affinity towards one of the most famous theories. There might be so many things a B school grad may forget, but this is one thing that he or she never will. MASLOWS HIERARCHY OF NEEDS 

So, with due regards to Mr. Maslow who proposed the theory in the year 1943, the hierarchy of needs is often portrayed in the shape of a pyramid, and Blah blah blah http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs. 

Mmm.. so, my brain goes berserk when I think of this theory. I laugh to myself. So Mr. Maslow I can say one thing for sure. You were certainly heartbroken and drunk and totally suicidal when you came up with this theory. I know you would beg to differ but if only I had a time travel machine to prove my point. So, my smartass brain has this deduction :D

Simple thing = you met your girlfriend

Fancy name = Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs

Outcome = you broke up and you are looking for a new girlfriend

So, here is how everything happened. 

Long long time ago, in 1943, while the rest of the world was fighting it out, there was this nerdy geeky guy known as Abraham Maslow. He had spent most his life studying people. His friends would hang around with a lot of hot chicks and have so much fun. Maslow, at 35 was still unmarried (Some say that the script of the movie 40 year old virgin is loosely based on his life). He would feel bad, and left out of all the worldly pleasures. Fortunately, the friends were evil and infused some sense into him. Quick root-cause analysis. He needed a girlfriend. And Fast !!!!! 

Stage 1 – Back then, clubs were still the place to be to find a prospective girlfriend. So the evil-good friends took Maslow to one and got him a few drinks. Filmi way, Maslow is impressed by a few girls, including the bar tender, but hot chicks don't impress him. Wait, there is this bespectacled girl! Maslow downs another drink. He pinches and talks to himself like all psychologists do . The girl looks as geeky as I am. She seems to be lost, like I do. She seems to be single, like I do. Down another drink. Breathing becomes heavier. Maslow starts to get flashes of his future. (Objectionable content) – kids – (more objectionable content) – more kids. Cool!! This is it. This is the girl I want to be with forever and ever. The mother of my children. 

Stage 2 – in an inebriated condition Maslow goes and proposes the nerdy girl. She wasn’t in a good condition either. There was a prophecy that children were born in pairs during the 1940’s. And Maslow looked eerily similar to one Mr. Albert Einstein. So, our Ms. Fantastic totally believed in beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Thinks Maslow is Einstein. She too gets flashes of her future. Big house, big car, big family, property, wealth, etc. Who in their right state of mind would say No to the proposal? Well she was drunk. We have to assume she said a Yes which cannot be too wrong. 

Stage 3 – Mmm.. needless to say what happens next. The obvious! I meant marriage. Yeah that too was obvious. Geek meets geek. God had handpicked Ms. Fantastic for Maslow, and even though Maslow was old, their family size started inflating. It was long before the concept of family planning came in. So, they may be excused 

Stage 4 – Stage 3 had a long lasting impact on Maslow. The questions that came to his mind were really penetrating. What is that I don’t have? What is that is missing? Maslow would remember of all the good times, when he commanded respect and awe from all quarters of the society. Those were the days. This as a psychologist was obvious that Maslow had started to lose his mind, but actually he had started reading a lot of economics. He would delve into the deepest levels to find the answer. And one fine morning he comes across this Law of diminishing marginal utility!!!! It was now not-so Ms. Fantastic. 

Stage 5 – Ms. Now-not-so Fantastic. He said to himself, “Damn! If only I had not seen Hugh Hefner on that stupid magazine!”

What happened next is what happens till date. Poor guy. He would dream about all the good times that he had. He wished his evil-good friends had not provoked him into this relationship. He wished the bar did not play Take My Breath Away. Life (his past this time) again passed by him in totality. He started living life in discontentment and “only if’s”. He felt a deep pain whenever he would think of all that Hugh Hefner had and what he was deprived of. At 50, Maslow had lived his life with the now-not-so Ms. Fantastic, raised 10 children. So, filmy style he goes to the same bar, and sits at the same seat where he met Ms. Fantastic. Downs a lot of drinks. Writes a suicide note for his kids. He wanted his life to be an example of what no to do. But since he was too drunk to write anything, so he drew a triangle. 5 lines

Stage 1 – Physiological needs (food, water(drinks), sex)

Stage 2 – Safety needs (family, health, property)

Stage 3 – Love and belongingness needs

Stage 4 – Esteem needs.

Stage 5 – mmmm... I am going to kill myself, and will be in heaven. Above all of this. So.. let me call it Self Actualization. Fancy thing which no one can attain. 

See you world!! In heaven possibly! And Maslow downs one more drink. He carries a noose to hang himself in the barn. Thinking about all the good times and Hugh Hefner of course. But wait! A bespectacled girl! Looks nerdy and geeky like me. Looks as lost as I do. Chances are high. Let me try. Marna cancelled.

So, Maslow and his new-Ms Fantastic meet and they live through the 5 stages again.

Hierarchy of needs- or is it?? 

On a day like today

Free is all you gotta be

Dream dreams no one else can see

Sometimes you wanna run away

But you never know what might be coming round your way

On a day like today - The whole world could change

The sun's gonna shine

Shine thru the rain

On a day like today

You never wanna see the sun go down

You never wanna see the sun go down

Somewhere - there's a place for you

I know that you believe it too

Sometimes if you wanna get away

All you gotta know is what we got is here to stay - All the way

On a day like today - The whole world could change

The sun's gonna shine

Shine thru the rain

On a day like today - no one complains

Free to be pure - free to be sane

On a day like today

You never wanna see the sun go down

You never wanna see the sun go down